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CLAM: Nickname for Scientologists based on L. Ron Hubbard's assertion that humans evolved from clams. CLAMS CASINO: A Scientology gambling joint. CULT AWARENESS NETWORK: Satan personified. Thanks to the vigilant efforts of Scientology lawyers, this pre-clear power has been liquefied. DIANETICS: Best selling book by L. Ron Hubbard that formed the foundation for the principles of Scientology. (Not to be confused with diuretics, phonetics or paramedics.) E-METER: Primitive resistance meter that acts as a lie detector by noting changes of fluid in sweat glands under the skin. Also can be used to detect fluctuations in an individual's stock portfolio, checking account and piggy bank. ETHICS:.... GANGBANG: 1). Group interrogation of a Scientologist suspected of disloyalty; 2) Method used to deprogram homosexual celebrities and help them locate a suitable wife. HAT: 1) An assigned job or function within the Scientology organization; 2) a tinfoil head covering said to improve O.T. powers by exuding electromagnetic waves. M.E.S.T: 1). Matter, Energy, Space and Time: the illusory physical world; 2) Manipulate, Emasculate, Submit, and Terrify: the day-to-day life of a Scientologist. NARC: Anyone who tries to leak the teachings of Scientology to the media. NARCONON: A drug rehabilitation program utilized primarily as a "resource bank" for handling deposits of MedicAid. O.S.A./Office of Special Affairs (formerly named Guardian's Office): Don't ask. OT/OPERATING THETAN: 1) Spirit that has achieved OT III and is therefore able to act outside the body; 2) The Hebrew Scriptures; 3) When a basketball game is tied at the end of regulation; 4) A thetan that graduated from medical school. Out-Ethics: 1) A breach of cult discipline (e.g., not obeying one's leaders and failing to produce a positive cash flow into the organization); 2) The decision by leadership to expose the secret lives of male celebrities who want to leave the organization. SEA-ORG: See O.S.A./Office of Special Affairs WOG: Anyone who rejects the teachings of Scientology and chooses instead to live in the "Real World (a.k.a. Wog-World)." Note: All practicing Scientologists should ignore Wog-World whenever reality conflicts with the overarching mission of Scientology. http://www.thedoormagazine.com/archives/scientology_dictionary.html
by Becky Garrison 2. A Tribble is a thetan that seeks to obtain OT III level status by foregoing shaving. Notable tribbles who have donned beards include Nancy Cartwright (voice of Bart Simpson), Tom Cruise and John Travolta. 3. Xenu is the name given for the cruel galactic ruler who banished thetans to earth some 75 million years ago. His anger was fueled in part because his parents favored his younger brother Zima's clear behavior. 4. L. Ron Hubbard wrote Dianetics during prolonged periods of isolation when Mother Hubbard forced him to sleep in a bare cupboard. 5. Despite what the National Mental Health Association says, Scientologists were NOT distributing booklets at Ground Zero. They were passing out pamphlets. Are we all clear now? 6. Scientologists can only watch porn videos if they contain multiple money shots. 7. The origin of the WWJD phenomenon was the Scientology acronym WWRD or "Who Would Ron Destroy?" Scientologist leaders deploy this acronym whenever they need to tap into their late leader's discernment powers so they can assess the most appropriate method of attacking a traitor or critic of the movement. 8. Christ was a myth fabricated by space aliens to deceive Man from realizing his true nature. In reality, he was a cabbie in Nazareth (Operating Thetan VIII). 9. Despite the claims of the U.S. Government, L. Ron Hubbard was not an embarrassment to the U.S. Navy. He never dropped anti-submarine torpedoes on an empty piece of ocean, and did not conduct target practice on a stretch of land that turned out to be Mexico. 10. Scientology is the No. 1 religion in the world, as it holds the current world record for filing more lawsuits in one single day than many churches have filed in their entire histories. 11. Not even constant auditing can guarantee the resurrection of Kirstie Alley, Juliette Lewis, and Mimi Rogers's acting careers. 12. Scientology receives "only" the same tax-exempt status as any other religion. The IRS granted this exemption after church leaders agreed to contribute unlimited auditing services. http://www.thedoormagazine.com/archives/scientology_teachings.html |