MY SOUL WAS RIPPED APART BY THEM . . .
June 1997
My Grandparents Donald and Katherine Hodgdon were in this Truth for a long time. They began to seek me out when I was 15 or 16. Soon after I had my driver’s license. They would ask me to take them to Gospel meetings. I would be glad for the driving experience and I did love them so I had no qualms about it. I almost professed in those Gospel meetings but something kept me back. I thought it was my own selfishness to give up on my materialistic life. I am not quite sure what was the reason. My life took a major nose dive after that and a lot of bad things happened. One day my grandfather peeked into my room at my parent’s and told me to stop sleeping the sleep of death. I felt so scared that I guess I was willing for anything. I had taken to retreating into my bedroom and reading for hours on end. My parents were ok with that. Soon after that my grandparents asked me to drive them to convention in Woodstock, Canada. I made my choice to serve God there. I had never seen such fellowship and seemingly unselfish service to one another and to God. I was totally enthralled by the whole experience especially since I was at the very lowest ebb of my life. My grandfather talked a lot about the valley of decision. I felt like I wallowed there forever. I will tell you one thing that occurred. When I stood to my feet to profess I felt a mighty rushing wind go up and I felt light as a feather. My yoke is easy and my burden is light!!! How true those words are.
My next experiences were to attend regular Sunday AM meeting. It was held at _______ ____’s house in Brewer, ME. As far as I know it still does. He made me very uncomfortable. He was always staring around the room during prayer and the only reason I know this is because I could feel him looking at me and I glanced up once. It makes you feel creepy and also makes you want to pull your skirt down even further. I found out later that he had attacked my Aunt _____ when she was young and that was why she left the church and never looked back. I know she has suffered mentally by that experience. ________ loved his steel grip on the meeting. One hour was the limit. He would do whatever it took to make sure that it never went over. He would cut people off or not give his testimony just to shorten the meeting. This was during 1981 that I went there. I could feel something in the air towards my grandparents but could never really put my finger on it. I think they were tolerated because I was a "babe". There is a lot to tell about them but I will have to do that another time.
From 1982 in May and on I lived in Alaska. Anchorage to be specific. I had my first experience with the friends there at convention. I felt like I had been dropped into a fashion show. All the young girls brought incredible dresses and all the frills. I thought "what are we here for? To worship God or mammon?" The East coast is very conservative so you can understand my point of view. I felt I had a wonderful convention and enjoyed the visiting workers immensely.
So my life in Anchorage began and I was assigned meetings to go to and I got settled into life. Things that started to bother me were the young people. They never wanted to talk about God. I couldn't find anyone that wanted to discuss spiritual things outside of meeting. Once meeting was over so was the rest of it I guess. I never could figure it out. Weren't they happy and joyful for the hope that was in them? I guess not. Then I realized there were no other nationalities in the church. I brought a black kid and a Vietnamese kid to a Gospel meeting once. I never realized how traumatic it would be for them. The black kid thought he was going to be offered up as a human sacrifice. I said did you really believe I would take you to something like that? I never realized the affect the silence would have on them. Having no other experience with churches I wasn't aware of how some black churches hold their meetings. So I got an education to say nonetheless. I felt so bad. I really wanted them to see what I had.
I could never understand the marrying inside the church when there wasn't anyone professing interested in you. Does that mean you are damned to the solitary life?
I later moved to Homer and went to ___ ____’s church. I later went to____ ______’s home for meeting. I also later moved in with her and her daughter. I thought I was very happy but some things went on that were very upsetting. The church never grew. Shouldn't something living be growing? I always thought so. I found out that it very much matters who you are in the church. When I decided to marry Jeremy I kept it secret. I kept our dating secret. I knew what was to be my portion if I didn't. Once the announcements went out it all started.The workers came to talk to me, different ones of the friends talked to me, some talked to my Uncle ____ and asked him to talk to me. He refused. He and his wife were Ex 2X2's. I was put through hell. On the morning of my wedding, I am getting ready and all excited about the day and I get a call from a friend, or someone I considered a friend, and she said "It is not too late to back out". I was devastated. Just once I wanted a Christ-like spirit towards me. Where was it? Why couldn't they accept my choice and let me deal with the consequences of my actions? Why couldn't they just LOVE me? People that you share the bread and wine with. How very hypocritical. My soul was ripped apart by them. I wouldn't allow any friends at the wedding, only the reception. I wasn't going to subject myself to any more stuff. I think that that in a nut shell covers it. The complete break in trust, love, fellowship, communion, the stress, the sorrow. I have suffered immensely from this experience and my body caved in to the pressure as I suffered stress, my periods stopped, I had panic attacks and I had depression.
These are a few highlights of my life in the church. I did have good and wonderful times but what exactly was the premise I based the happiness on anyway when the very ones you love and share spiritual things with turn on you like ravening animals?
I left the meetings in 1991. I hope that some day I can sort all this out and find the peace I need so much.
Peggy Deach (nee Theriault)
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